超级伙伴（The Super Pals）
翻译小说
你是否曾因睡过头而错过了早餐？你是否曾希望早上能吃到比寡淡的燕麦片更丰富的蛋白质？你是否曾被困在森林里，饥肠辘辘，却只有一颗生鸡蛋可吃？
如果以上问题中，哪怕有一个你的回答是肯定的，那么，莱尼•利文斯顿可以帮到你。因为，莱尼拥有一种超能力。
……嗯。与其说是“超能力”，不如说是一种“特定难题解决术”。
莱尼•利文斯顿（此处请配鼓点）能够在任何情况下煎熟一颗鸡蛋。前提是他手头得有个平底锅。
不，他不会生火来加热锅子。不，他也没有能把蛋烤熟的激光眼。而且，不，他更不会趁你不注意时，把生鸡蛋偷换成煎好的蛋。他只不过是把蛋壳敲开，打进锅里。然后，冲着它威胁性地挥了挥拳头。片刻之后，这颗蛋就被煎得完美无瑕。就连英国星级厨师戈登•拉姆齐本人都会称赞它是自己吃过的“最绝妙的”东西。尽管随后，他会感叹旁边那片烤焦的面包，真是“太可惜了”。
我想，你们当中有些人可能会好奇莱尼这种能力的边界。比如，能不能也做煎蛋卷？能不能煎单面太阳蛋？能煎鸵鸟蛋吗？
还记得我前面说的“特定难题解决术”吗？不能做煎蛋卷，也不能变换做法，只能煎鸡蛋。莱尼甚至无法连续煎两个蛋。这是一种每天只能用一次的能力。
莱尼刚发现这种能力时，简直惊呆了。当时，他正对着锅里的生鸡蛋挥舞拳头。因为他忘了开炉火。第二天，他成功重现了这一壮举。第三天，也是如此。然后，他尝试去做些实验。
如果你一直留心前面的内容，想必已经猜到，他的实验并不成功。
即使受到某些限制，有些人也会对拥有超能力感到高兴。但莱尼并不满足。他已经尝到了超凡的滋味（这里既指他那微小却奇特的能力，也指那能力所造成的美味成果），并渴望得到更多。只要这种能力可以增强，他就能做更多的事！首先，他要开一家早餐店。接着，他会把生意做大。再往后，消除世界饥饿也就指日可待了。然而，这一切的前提是他必须实现能力升级。从只能解决“特定难题”，转变为能够解决“通用难题”。
后来，有一天，莱尼煎了鸡蛋。不是因为饥饿，而是由于心烦意乱。随后，他在口袋里发现了一张字条：
“绝密！诚邀您今晚七点，前往栗树街12号，加入‘超级伙伴’。敲门三下。切勿向他人透露。”
这张字条是怎么塞进莱尼口袋里的，简直是个谜。他一整天都待在家里，没见过任何人。他的裤子还是刚从烘干机里拿出来的。显然，那个把字条放进去的人肯定拥有某种了不起的超能力。比如，隐身术，或者，超速度！
晚上七点，莱尼一路蹦蹦跳跳地来到了那个地址——城里一栋不起眼的联排住宅，并敲响了房门。
一位穿着睡袍的老女人开了门。这可不是他预想中的那种门卫。
“我是来找‘超级伙伴’的。”莱尼低声说道。
“啊？”老女人说，“大声点，孩子。”
莱尼清了清嗓子：“超级伙伴。”
“街那头有个加油站。”她说，“那里有厕所。那是‘屎尿步道’的第一站。不过，厕所只供顾客使用。所以，你得买点什么东西。”
“妈！”屋里有人喊道，“是谁啊？”
“史蒂文，又是一个要找屎尿步道的路人。别管了。回去跟你的朋友玩‘龙的地下城’吧。”
“我是来加入你们的。”莱尼冲着屋里喊道，“加入‘超级伙伴’。”
台阶上传来一阵雷鸣般的脚步声。史蒂文，一个油腻腻的胖子出现在门口，一把把莱尼拉进了屋里。
“嘘！要是被人听到了怎么办！你没看字条吗？绝密！”
老女人叹了口气：“好吧。不过用完厕所记得洗手。别跟我说你每次都洗。你我都清楚那是假话。”
“我们饿了，妈。”史蒂文说。
“我给你们拿点饼干，亲爱的。”老女人说着，转身走进了厨房。
史蒂文示意莱尼跟上，把他带到了地下室。那里摆着四把廉价的户外折叠椅，围着一张棕色的折叠牌桌。桌上没有纸牌。另外还有两个人。一个满脸雀斑的红头发男孩，和一个戴着超大眼镜，目光鬼祟的女人。他俩正双手环抱坐着，用怀疑的眼光打量着莱尼。
“这是吉米。”史蒂文指着那个男孩说。
随即，又指向那个女人：“那是路易丝。”
莱尼与他们握了手，并做了自我介绍。
“请坐。”史蒂文说。
他和莱尼各自在另两张空着的折叠椅上坐了下来：“欢迎加入‘超级伙伴’。”
“等你尝到史蒂夫妈做的饼干就知道了。”吉米说，“我来参加这些聚会，全都是为了那饼干。”
“那味道简直绝了。”路易丝附和道。同时，眯起眼，神色可疑地打量着这位新成员。
“迫不及待想尝试了。”莱尼说，“很高兴能来这儿。不过，我希望没搞错什么。毕竟我的超能力在打击犯罪方面派不上什么用处。”
“我们不打击犯罪。”路易丝那双鬼祟的眼睛转向了史蒂文，“你改了我给你的那张字条吗？”
史蒂文举起双手，做出防御姿态：“我当时立刻就把字条塞进他口袋里了。如果我改过，他肯定会看见的。”
“抱歉。我只是想当然了。”莱尼说，“不过，你们都是超级英雄，对吧？”
“我们都有超能力。”史蒂文耸了耸肩，说。
“那么……这是某种学校吗？”莱尼试探着问，心里燃起了一丝希望。“也许，是个培训项目？”
“我们是一个互助小组。”路易丝说，“专门网罗那些拥有极其特殊稀缺才能的人。比如，我能让玫瑰花散发出巧克力棉花糖夹心饼干的味道。但反过来却做不到。”
“我每周能在自己的手臂上增加或减少一颗雀斑。”吉米说。
“我能把信息送到别人口袋里，并且不被他们发现。”史蒂文自豪地说，“前提是信息由别人书写，内容跟政府、军队，或犯罪组织无关。”
“听起来，这挺有用的。”莱尼说。
“也许，对中学生有用。或者，如果现在还是上个世纪90年代初，电子邮件和短信还没出现，那也有用。”
大家都满怀期待地盯着莱尼。
“哦。”他说，“我每天能煎一个鸡蛋，并不需要任何热源。”
“太棒了！”吉米说，“那可比我的能力有用多了！”
“也比我的有用。”路易丝附和道。
莱尼勉强挤出一丝微笑。说他“感到失望”都太轻描淡写了。他简直是“深受打击”。他本来真心希望能加入某个超级英雄小队。哪怕给小队做饭也行。你懂的。就是那种能真正改变世界的角色。
“别这么垂头丧气的。”史蒂文说。
“他有权表达自己的情绪。”路易丝帮着莱尼说话。
她拍了拍莱尼的胳膊：“无论你需要什么，我们都会全力支持你。”
“可你们是一群超级英雄啊。”莱尼说，“难道不该至少有个死对头之类的吗？”
“我们不是超级英雄。”路易丝说，“我们更喜欢自称‘天赋过剩者’。”
“而且，我们的故事里没有反派。”史蒂文补充道。
吉米兴奋地举起手，就像在恳求老师点名让他发言一样：“那兔子兰德尔呢？”
“兔子兰德尔可算不上我们的死对头。”路易丝不屑一顾道，“尽管他自己非要这么说。”
“谁？”莱尼问。
“兔子兰德尔。”史蒂文长叹一声，显得有些泄气。“他是我隔壁邻居。他的能力是能让兔子挠耳朵。”
“那真的很可爱。”吉米说。
“超级可爱。”路易丝附和道。
“我们都知道那很可爱！”史蒂文没好气地说，“总之，我邀请他加入了我们的互助小组。我知道，这显得我很古道热肠。比起我们，他更难接受自己的那种稀缺能力。结果有一天，他骂我们是一群……”
路易丝对他报以同情的一笑：“你可以直说，史蒂夫。我们聚在这里就是为了这个。”
史蒂文吸了一口气，声音发颤：“一群窝囊废。”
“还有‘超级怂蛋’。”吉米嘟囔道，“真有创意。”
“后来，他自己搞了个互助小组，专门招募那些想提升能力的人。”史蒂文说。
莱尼坐直了些：“那可能吗？”
“是啊，可能的。但代价是什么呢？”史蒂文反问道，“他现在能让兔子来闻他的手指了。那又怎样？”
“什么叫‘那又怎样’？”莱尼笑了。“史蒂夫，难道你不想传递重要的秘密信息吗？还有，路易丝，要是你能让雏菊散发出洋葱味玉米圈的味道呢？吉米，如果你能……呃……”
“你是说，把雀斑颜色变一变，看起来像得了什么病，好逃掉期末考试？”吉米问。
史蒂文狠狠地瞪了他一眼，以示警告。
吉米顶了他一句：“怎么了？我只是想出个主意而已。”
莱尼继续说道，“我当然希望能煎不止一个鸡蛋。我想煎两个、三个！等朋友来吃早午餐时，能给他们露一手，做个西部煎蛋卷。”
他兴奋地挥舞着拳头，一脸豪情壮志：“我要改变世界！”
“你听起来简直跟他一模一样。”史蒂文叹了口气。
“别走这条路，莱尼。”路易丝说，“能力越大，欲望越强。那是一条黑暗之路。”
莱尼简直不敢相信自己的耳朵。能力更强？黑暗之路？他不过是想做点有用的事。他不想做一个“天赋过剩者”。他想做一个“天赋超凡者”！这要求并不过分。可这些人却根本不提供这种可能性。他们甚至还没尝试，就放弃了自己。他们不想改变世界，只想在这个世界上得过且过。
史蒂文开始说话。大意是关于“非凡的平凡”，以及“烹饪前加点‘老湾（Old Bay）’调味料，也许会更好”之类的话。
这时，莱尼瞥见那只兔子正透过地下室的窗户往里张望。他与兔子目光交汇。兔子随即蹦走了。
“听着。”他打断了史蒂文的话，“谢谢你们的邀请。真的。但我认为你们帮不了我。”
“可你连块饼干都没吃呢。”当莱尼走向楼梯时，吉米说。
“让他走吧。”史蒂文说，“用饼干来拉拢人，这太掉价了。莱尼，等你准备好面对自己的平庸时，我们一直都在这儿。每个月的第三个星期二，晚上七点整。”
“谢谢。”莱尼说。
他在楼梯口遇到了史蒂文的妈妈。在她的坚持下拿了两块饼干。然后，从前门走了出去。
那只兔子正坐在草地上，挠着耳朵。简直可爱极了！它嗅了嗅空气，随后，蹦进了一个男人的怀抱。
那人穿着连帽衫，一身黑衣，跪在一棵树后面。兔子用鼻子蹭着那人的耳朵，仿佛在告诉他什么秘密。
“兔子兰德尔？”莱尼问。
“我的同伙告诉我，你拒绝了‘超级伙伴’的那个穷酸的提议。”他露出了邪恶的笑容。“把史蒂文妈妈做的饼干给我一块。让我们来看看，踏上黑暗之路后，你到底能炒出多少个鸡蛋。”
莱尼也回以一笑。他递给兰德尔一块饼干，自己则咬了一口另一块。
“哇。吉米没吹牛。这饼干确实好吃。”
兔子兰德尔发出一阵疯狂的大笑。笑声在那条死胡同里回荡。
作者：迈克尔•盖蒂斯（Michael Gattis）2026年1月18日发布于瑞德西网站（Reedsy.com）
译者：鸭绒2026年8月15日完成于洛杉矶（Los Angeles）
译者注：
这是篇都市奇幻幽默小说。小说极具讽刺意味。作者是一位奶爸。白天在家带孩子。利用孩子午睡时间写作具有奇幻色彩的滑稽故事。
故事中的“超级伙伴（The Super Pals）”和《超级便便侠和尿尿小超人：如厕神力（Super Pooper and Whizz Kid: Potty Power）》的儿童如厕训练绘本有着双关谐音关系。故老女人把莱尼的“Super Pals”听成了“Super Pooper”。这才有了“屎尿步道（Pooper Trail）”的谐音梗。中文翻译无法再现这个英文谐音双关语的幽默。
这似乎是一篇意犹未尽的小说。刚开了个头，却戛然而止。就像主人公以为自己进入了一个成就伟大的新天地，却发现那只是一条死胡同。
The Super Pals
By Michael Gattis
Have you ever slept through your alarm and had to skip breakfast? Have you ever wished for more protein in the morning than what bland oatmeal could provide? Have you ever been stranded in the woods, starving, with nothing but a raw egg?
If you answered “yes” to at least one of these questions, Lenny Livingston could have helped. You see, Lenny had a superpower.
……Well, it was less a superpower, and more a “specific issue resolver.”
Lenny Livingston could [insert drumroll here] fry an egg under any circumstances, provided he had a frying pan handy.
No, he couldn’t create fire to heat the pan. No, he didn’t have laser vision to cook the egg. And, no, he didn’t switch the uncooked egg for a fried one when you weren’t looking. He merely cracked the egg open, dropped it into the pan, and shook his fist at it threateningly. Moments later, the egg was so perfectly fried, Gordan Ramsay himself would call it “the most amazing” thing he’d ever eaten (before remarking the burnt toast that came with it was “a real shame”).
I imagine some of you might be asking questions about Lenny’s power’s limits. How about an omelet? What if you wanted sunny-side up? Could he do an ostrich egg?
Remember I called it a “specific issue resolver” a few paragraphs back? No omelets. No variations on preparation. Only chicken eggs. Lenny couldn’t even fry two eggs in succession. It was a once-per-day kind of power.
When Lenny had first discovered the power (shaking his fist at an uncooked egg in the pan – he’d forgotten to turn the burner on) he was amazed. He replicated the feat the following day, and the day after. Then he tried experimenting.
If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll have already concluded that his experiments were unsuccessful.
Some people would be happy with a superpower, even with such constraints. Lenny was not. He’d tasted greatness (here referring to both his minute ability and its delicious result) and he wanted more. If only he could grow his power, think of what he could accomplish! He’d open a breakfast restaurant, for starters. Then he’d expand it. After that, eradicating world hunger would be just over the horizon. But none of this was possible until his power grew from a specific to a general issue resolver.
Then, one day, after frying an egg more from frustration than because he was hungry, Lenny found a note in his pocket:
TOP SECRET! You are cordially invited to join The Super Pals @ 12 Chestnut Drive, 7pm tonight. Knock three times. Tell no one.
How the note had gotten into Lenny’s pocket was a mystery. He’d been home all day and hadn’t seen anyone. His pants were fresh out of the dryer. Clearly, whoever had put it there must have had some great superpower, like invisibility or super speed!
At 7pm, Lenny skipped all the way to the noted address (a modest rowhome within the city) and knocked upon the door. An elderly woman in a nightgown greeted him. Not exactly the guard he’d been expecting. “I’m here to see The Super Pals,” Lenny whispered.
“Eh?” the woman said. “Speak up, sonny.”
Lenny cleared his throat. “The Super Pals.”
“There’s a gas station down the street,” she said. “They have a commode. First stop on the trail. Restroom’s for customers only, though, so you’ll have to buy something.”
“Ma!” someone from within shouted. “Who is it?”
“Another pedestrian on the Pooper Trail, Steven. Never you mind. Go back to playing dragon dungeons with your friends.”
“I’m here to join up,” Lenny called inside. “The Super Pals.”
There was a thunderous stamping up the steps. Steven – a greasy, heavy-set fellow – appeared and pulled Lenny in. “Shh! What if someone heard you! Didn’t you read the note? Top secret!”
The woman groaned. “Fine. But wash your hands when you’re done. And don’t tell me you always do. We’ll both know it’s a lie.”
“We’re hungry, Ma,” said Steven.
“I’ll bring you some cookies, dear,” said the woman, and she disappeared into the kitchen.
Steven beckoned Lenny to follow, and led him into the basement. Four cheap lawn chairs were arranged around a collapsible brown card table (lacking cards). Two other people – a freckly, red-haired boy and a shifty-eyed woman wearing overlarge glasses – sat with their hands folded, regarding Lenny with suspicion.
“This is Jimmy,” Steven said, indicating the boy, then gestured to the woman. “And that’s Louise.”
Lenny shook their hands and introduced himself.
“Please, sit,” said Steven. He and Lenny took the two empty chairs. “Welcome to The Super Pals.”
“Wait ‘til you try one of Steve’s ma’s cookies,” Jimmy said. “They’re the whole reason I come to these meetings.”
“They are divine,” Louise agreed, squinting suspiciously at the newcomer.
“Can’t wait to try,” said Lenny. “And I’m happy to be here. Only, I hope there isn’t some mistake. My superpower isn’t exactly useful in fighting crime.”
“We don’t fight crime.” Louise’s shifty eyes shifted to Steven. “Did you change the note I gave you?”
Steven held his hands up defensively. “Snuck it into his pocket right away. If I edited it, he’d have seen me.”
“Sorry, I just assumed,” said Lenny. “You are all superheroes though, right?”
“We all have superpowers,” Steven said with a shrug.
“So… is this a school of some kind?” Lenny asked, daring to hope. “Maybe a training program?”
“We’re a support group,” said Louise. “For people with incredibly niche abilities. For instance, I can make a rose smell like a s’mores pop tart, but not the other way around.”
“Once a week, I can either add or subtract a freckle from my arm,” said Jimmy.
“And I can deliver messages to people’s pockets without them seeing,” Steven said proudly. “As long as they are written by someone else, and don’t have anything to do with government, military, or crime bosses.”
“That sounds like it could be useful,” Lenny said.
“Useful for a middle school student, maybe. Or if it was still the early 90s, before email and text messaging came to be.”
They all stared at Lenny expectantly. “Oh,” he said. “I can fry one egg per day, without a heat source.”
“Amazing!” said Jimmy. “That’s loads more useful than my ability!”
“And mine,” Louise agreed.
Lenny gave them half-a-smile. To say he was disappointed was selling his disappointment short. He was crushed. He’d really hoped to get on some kind of super squad; or at least be the cook for one. You know. Make real change in the world.
“Don’t look so glum,” Steven said.
“He’s allowed to feel his feelings,” Louise chided. She patted Lenny’s arm. “We’re here to support you in any way you need.”
“But you’re a group of superheroes,” Lenny said. “Shouldn’t you at least have a nemesis or something?”
“We’re not superheroes,” Louise said. “We prefer the term, ‘superfluously gifted.’”
“And there’re no villains in our story,” added Steven.
Jimmy raised his hand excitedly, as if begging for the teacher to call on him. “What about Rabbit Randall?”
“Rabbit Randall isn’t our nemesis,” Louise scoffed. “Even if he claims otherwise.”
“Who?” asked Lenny.
“Rabbit Randall.” Steven let out a long, defeated breath. “He’s my next-door neighbor. Has the ability to make rabbits scratch their ears.”
“It’s really cute,” said Jimmy.
“Super cute,” agreed Louise.
“We all know it’s cute!” Steven snapped. “Anyway. I invited him to our group. Very neighborly of me, I know. He was having a tougher time accepting his niche powers than we all did. Then, one day he called us all a bunch of…”
Louis gave him a sympathetic smile. “You can say it, Steve. That’s why we’re here.”
Steven took a shaky breath. “A bunch of losers.”
“And super-zeroes,” Jimmy grunted. “So original.”
“Then he went and started his own support group for people who wanted to increase their powers,” said Steven.
Lenny sat up a little straighter. “Is that possible?”
“Well, yeah, but at what cost?” Steven asked. “So, he can make a rabbit come sniff his finger now. So what?”
“What do you mean, ‘so what?’” Lenny laughed. “Don’t you want to deliver important secret messages, Steve? And Louise, what if you could make daisies smell like Funions? And Jimmy, what if you could…uh…”
“Change the color of my freckles to look diseased and get out of taking finals?” Jimmy asked.
Steven shot him a warning glare.
“What? Just trying to be helpful.”
“And I sure as heck want to be able to fry more than a single egg,” Lenny continued. “I want to cook two! Three! Make a western omelet for when I have people over for brunch.” He pumped his fist triumphantly. “I want to change the world!”
“You sound just like him,” Steven sighed.
“Don’t go down this road, Lenny,” said Louise. “Too much power leaves you wanting more. It’s a dark path.”
Lenny couldn’t believe what he was hearing. More power? Dark path? All he wanted was to do something useful. He didn’t want to be “superfluously gifted.” He wanted to be superbly gifted! It wasn’t much to ask. And these people weren’t offering it. They’d given up on themselves before even trying. They didn’t want to change the world; only to exist in it.
Steven began speaking – something along the lines of “being extraordinarily ordinary” and “maybe try adding a little old bay seasoning before you cook it” – when Lenny spotted the rabbit peering into the basement window. He locked eyes with it, and it hopped away.
“Look,” he said, cutting off Steven’s speech. “Thanks for the invite. Really. I just don’t think you can help me.”
“But you haven’t even had a cookie,” Jimmy said as Lenny made his way to the stairs.
“Let him go,” said Steven. “Cookie bribes are beneath us. We’ll be here when you’re ready to face your mediocrity, Lenny. Third Tuesday of every month. 7pm sharp.”
“I appreciate it,” Lenny said. He passed Steven’s mom at the top of the steps and took a couple cookies at her insistence, then let himself out the front door.
And there was the rabbit, sitting in the grass, scratching at its ear. So freakin’ cute! It sniffed the air and hopped into the arms of a man – hooded, and dressed all in black – who’d been kneeling behind a tree. The rabbit nuzzled against his ear, as if telling him a secret.
“Rabbit Randall?” Lenny asked.
“My associate tells me you’ve rejected The Super Pals’ weak offer.” He grinned wickedly. “Hand me one of Steven’s mom’s cookies, and we’ll find out just how many eggs you can scramble following the path of darkness.”
Lenny grinned back. He gave Randall a cookie, then took a bite of another. “Wow. Jimmy wasn’t kidding about these cookies.”
Rabbit Randall’s maniacal laughter filled the cul-de-sac.
Posted Jan 18, 2026
