真假蜡像（Wax/Off）
翻译小说
“我直说吧。要是你能想到比我更好的办法去抢劫一家蜡像馆，我洗耳恭听。”
逮捕他的警官在警车前座上微微后仰，歪着头，打量了一眼身后这位穿着全套猫王行头的男人。这事不可能那么简单。
“就这些？你这算是认罪了？”他问后座的嫌疑人。
后座的男人举起双臂。他外套上的亮片随着他的动作淅淅作响。
“兄弟，你看我这一身。”他指了指自己。说话时，他那抹了发胶的黑发纹丝不动。“咱俩刚认识。我对你已是非常尊重，不会骗你。你在辛克莱夫人蜡像馆里抓到一个装扮成摇滚之王的人。人赃俱获。警官……我就认了。”
“叫我哈里就行。”警官说，“那你就是普雷斯利先生了？”
“差不多吧。”后座的男子放下手臂，说。他那闪着亮光的粉色墨镜摇摇欲坠。“不过，叫我丹好了。”
警车持续在黑暗的街道上行驶。尼亚加拉瀑布市中心明亮的灯光渐渐被绵长的高速公路所取代。
“好吧，丹。说说今晚你到底干了什么。还有，刚才我是从什么鬼现场中把你捞出来的。”
丹在后座不安地动了动。他用手抓了抓头发。他那一头浓厚的黑发散乱开来。几缕头发像绳子一样粘在一起，垂向两边。上面沾满了发胶和定型喷雾剂。
“刚才你捞出的，是我这辈子策划的最完美的一场劫案。”
“抢劫……在辛克莱夫人蜡像馆？”哈里警官确认道，“咱俩说的是同一个地方吗？就是那个有名人蜡像、电影道具的辛克莱夫人蜡像馆？那里能有多少现金？”
丹轻声一笑。头顶上，高速公路路灯的灯光在他的墨镜上反射。
“现金？拜托。你还活在90年代啊？现在这种旅游景点，99%的门票都刷信用卡。你要是冲着现金去，还不如去抢门外的自动售货机。”
丹倾身向前，墨镜下的眼睛里目光闪烁。
“最近，你见过蜡像馆的宣传海报吗？”他问警官，“上面有什么大型展览？”
“我不太常来这边。”哈里回答，眼睛盯着路面。“今晚来这里纯属偶然。”
“怎么，你连社交媒体都不玩？”丹嗤之以鼻。“那里正在举办《绿野仙踪》特展。服装、蜡像、原版电影道具，全套都摆在那里。”
哈里等着坐在后座的“猫王”继续说下去。但他却没有。他只是坐在那里，脸上的表情仿佛他刚刚说出了“黄金城”的位置。
“然后呢？”警官终于忍不住问。
“然后？老兄，看来警校没教你如何去发现商机。他们在那里展出了电影道具中的王炸——那双著名的红宝石凉鞋。”
空气中弥漫着一阵令人不安的沉默。哈里从后视镜里看了他一眼。
“你知道，那不是真的红宝……”
“当然，我知道那不是真的红宝石。”丹不耐烦地打断哈里，“你得考虑收藏家这种人。这鞋就跟任何独一无二的艺术品一样。你把赃物卖给一个古怪的收藏家。他藏几年，给朋友看看。然后，东西就会辗转流传。最后，再找一个黑心鉴定师，声称这东西是在一家当铺里发现的。”
哈里点了点头。虽然对这个计划的可行性存疑，但他很乐意让后座的那个男人继续说下去。
“我还是没听出来，猫王和这事有什么关系。”
丹得意地一笑，将身体靠回座位。
“瞧，妙就妙在这儿。这是个双人档的活儿。一个负责选定最适合模仿的蜡像。我一直挺喜欢《孟菲斯闪电》。算我好运。他们正好有一个‘猫王生涯展’。我的身材和猫王绝配。”他得意地拍了拍肚子，说，“我可不想成为一个廉价版的猫王。我这人做事，是有审美的。”
“啊哈。”哈里点了点头。有一半注意力放在开车上。
“接下来的事就简单了。先塞点钱给监控室的安全员，再找个没人注意的时候把蜡像调包就行了。”丹继续说道，“当我在厕所换装的时候，我的搭档迅速移除了猫王真蜡像。然后，我只需一动不动地站在那个蜡像位置，直到闭馆。你甚至还能和一些游客合影。说实话，这大概是我干过的第二，或第三好玩的盗窃案。”
哈里想问他，第一好玩的盗窃案是什么。但忍住了。
“然后呢？闭馆后你就溜进去偷鞋？”
“瞧，你这话像是行内人了。”丹近乎有点骄傲。“正如我所说，计划完美无缺。但出了点岔子。”
“我早料到了。否则，现在你就不会坐在我车的后座上。”
“别打断我。马上就会说到你了。”丹没好气地说，“一开始，我就觉得奇怪。监控室的安全员太好收买了。他竟然没有还价。到了晚上，我开始行动。当我偷偷摸摸溜进去的时候，看到拐角处有保安的手电筒亮光。我就赶紧往最近的展品那儿一站。那是一尊玛丽莲•梦露的蜡像。至少，从视觉效果上来说，还算凑合。不说别的，那个保安就没看出来。”
“我确信你的样子一定很逼真。”哈里的语气却不太确信。
“三年半的社区戏剧表演经验不是白搭的。真是天赐良机啊。”丹压低了嗓音说，“不过，当我僵立在梦露小姐身旁时，发现对面展区有点不对劲。布雷迪一家像往常一样围坐在餐桌旁，笑容满面，其乐融融。而站在布雷迪先生旁边的人，竟然是达斯•维德。就好像他们本来就是一家人似的。”
“啊。”哈里沉思道，“某种穿越剧混搭？”
“穿越个屁。结果发现，我和我的搭档并不是唯一想到这个绝妙主意的人。那个穿着达斯•维德服装的家伙跟我一样，也是假冒的！现在的骗子都毫无创意可言。”
“天哪，谁能想得到呢？”哈里说。他尽量掩饰他语气中的讽刺意味。
“保安一走，我和‘维德先生’就一起往《绿野仙踪》展区潜行。还互相使绊子，拖对方后腿。就在好不容易把他阻挡在一个隔离柱旁边时，我一抬头，发现阿梅莉亚•埃尔哈特正蹑手蹑脚从我面前走过。原来，这就是为什么监控安全员这么容易被买通的原因——他肯定收了一大帮人的钱。”
“哇。看来你说的这个绝世大盗计划并非戏言。”哈里吹了一声口哨，赞叹道，“为了偷这双鞋，你们所有人想到的竟然是同一个点子。”
“我说了，要是你能想到比这更好的方法抢劫蜡像馆，你早就转行了。后来，人越冒越多。我们在博物馆里潜来潜去。每次有保安经过，大家就定格在离自己最近的展区，一动不动。于是，你会看到，机械战警和伊丽莎白女王一起喝茶；伏地魔和拉里•伯德打篮球；儿童节目主持人罗杰斯先生和詹姆斯•邦德玩扑克。混搭的场面一团乱。”
“那就是我进去撞见的一幕，对吧？”哈里插嘴，试图打断丹的夸夸其谈。
“差不多吧。你看，我们所有人几乎在同一时间都潜行到了《绿野仙踪》展区。当时，所有关于‘潜行’的念头都烟消云散。大家直接群殴。好像是特蕾莎修女先动的手。当时足有十几个人互相扭打在一起。我记得其中有一名保安也卷入了混战。不过说实话，也可能是装扮成保罗•布拉特的盗贼。就在那时，警笛声从窗外传来。还没等我反应过来，你就把我拽进车里了。”
丹说着指了指窗外。高楼已经消失。警车两侧只剩高速公路。
“不得不说，这是我职业生涯中最难忘的一次逮捕。”哈里的语气带着一丝自赏。“那么，你知道那鞋后来怎样了？”
“当然知道。”丹舒了口气答道。
他从他那猫王外套上的流苏底下掏出一个镶满亮片的袋子。这个袋子和他那身花哨招摇的行头简直完美地融为一体。
“我赢了。说到底，还有谁能赢过我老丹呢？我只是更想要得到它而已。这正是我告诉你这一切的原因。”
“哦？”哈里怀疑地看了那袋子一眼。
“我不想因为赃物在手，就成为那个唯一的倒霉蛋。外面至少还有一打的疯子做了和我一样的事情。但最终都没我这么幸运。”丹环顾了一下后车厢，“或者说，没我这么不幸。”
哈里笑了笑。不确定他想表达什么。
“所以呢，你是想让我掉头回去，把剩下的那些混蛋都抓起来？看来，盗亦无道啊。”
“狗屁道义。全是一帮小心眼的混蛋。”丹毫不羞愧地承认。“听着，今晚我被一个奥帕•伦帕的小人照脸揍了一拳。你说，我能不想拉他们一起下水吗？”
哈里从后视镜里仔细看了普雷斯利先生一眼。然后，打灯下了高速公路。
“好样的！”丹喊道，“相信我。要是你把这些家伙装满你警车，立马你就会成为当地英雄。”
“能把你们这帮怪胎清理干净，是我职责所在。”
两人无语，开车回到镇上。车停在距离案发现场不远的一个街区。哈里把头转向后座的嫌犯。
“听好我的计划。你下车，把你那些‘朋友’尽量都叫出来，让他们到那边公园集合。”他指了指建筑物之间的一小块空地。“如果你帮我把人都凑齐，我可以对你从轻发落。”
“知我者，警官也。”
丹说话的同时，车后门解锁。他伸手去拉门把。
“等等。”哈利打断了他，“把鞋留下。”
丹的手停在门把上。他叹了口气，把鞋袋子扔回了车后座。然后，屈身下了车。
“当然，我不会带着赃物逃之夭夭的。你不该被这么坑。”他说得极其诚恳。
“没错。”丹离车后，哈里说，“大家都别互坑。”
丹走入寒冷的空气中，脑子里飞快地盘算着，如何利用他终于撞上的这个好运直接开溜。他想，一旦换了身衣服，哈里就找不到他了。
他向前走了两步。然后，停了下来。
“大家都别互坑。”
“坑。”这个词卡在他的脑子里。
下一秒，丹恍然大悟。但为时已晚。他转过身，终于看清了警车司机的脸。前座的男人头上戴着一顶尺寸不合的棕色假发，用夸张的表情翻了丹一个白眼。
一个拙劣版的克林特•伊斯特伍德。
“你这个混蛋——这是辆道具车！”丹大喊着，冲回警车。
车子已经加速离开。车里的“哈里”则向这位摇滚之王点了点头。
“你说得对。我确实不该被你这么坑。”哈里透过敞开的车窗，语气低沉冷漠，“不过记住，这事跟该不该，没关系。”
“这根本不是那部电影！”丹大声嚷道。
警车的灯光逐渐消失在夜色之中。
（完）
作者：[加拿大]克里斯托弗•西（Christopher C）2026年1月1日发布于瑞德西网站（Reedsy.com）
译者：鸭绒2026年5月4日完成于洛杉矶（Los Angeles）
译者注：
这是一篇幽默犯罪小说。题目“Wax/Off”意为“上蜡/脱蜡”。但在小说的场景中，可以理解为“蜡进/蜡出”。本译文翻译成“真假蜡像”。小说中除了丹和哈里两个犯罪人物，选用了大量电影名人作为蜡像的人物标签。对于中文读者来说，可能并不熟知。这里按出场顺序，逐一列出注释：
猫王——美国摇滚乐传奇歌手，本名埃尔维斯•普雷斯利（Elvis Presley）。
《绿野仙踪》——《The Wonderful Wizard of Oz》，是美国的一部系列童话故事。后被多次改编成电影。
黄金城——“El Dorado”，西班牙文，也译成“黄金国”、“黄金人”，是源于南美土著使用黄金献祭仪式的一个传说。后成为西班牙和西方殖民者的掠夺目标。1988年西班牙、法国、意大利以此为题材合拍过一部同名电影《黄金国》。
孟菲斯闪电——《The Memphis Flash》，猫王的一个专辑。
玛丽莲•梦露——Marilyn Monroe，美国著名电影演员。
布雷迪一家——《The Brady Bunch》，1969至1974年播出的一部美国家庭情景戏剧。
达斯•维德——Darth Vader，电影《星球大战》中的反派角色。
阿梅莉亚•埃尔哈特——Amelia Earhart，首位独自飞越大西洋的美国女飞行员。
机械战警——《RoboCop》，1989年至2014年上映的美国系列电影。有1、2、3三部曲和一部重启版，共四部电影。
伊丽莎白女王——Queen Elizabeth II，已故英国女王伊丽莎白二世。
伏地魔——Lord Voldemort，《哈利•波特》中的人物。
拉里•伯德——Larry Bird，前美国职业篮球运动员。
罗杰斯先生——美国著名美国电视主持人，儿童权益倡导者。全名弗雷德•麦克菲利•罗杰斯（Fred McFeely Rogers），亦称“罗杰斯先生（Mister Rogers）”。
詹姆斯•邦德——James Bond，小说《007》及其衍生影视作品中的特工角色。
特蕾莎修女——Blessed Teresa of Calcutta，印度天主教慈善工作者，诺贝尔和平奖得主。
保罗•布拉特——Paul Blart，美国电影《百货战警（Paul Blart：Mall Cop）》中的角色。
奥帕•伦帕——Oompa Loompa，是电影《查理和巧克力工厂（Charlie and the Chocolate Factory）》系列及《旺卡（Wonka）》中出现的虚构族群。以身形矮小、喜爱唱歌，和可可豆肤色为特征。
克林特•伊斯特伍德——Clint Eastwood，美国演员、导演、制片人。
“这事跟该不该，没关系。”——这句话是1992年的电影《不可饶恕（Unforgiven）》中的经典台词。原文是“Deserves got nothing to do with it”，直译为“配不配，根本没关系”。它是由克林特•伊斯特伍德饰演的威尔•曼尼（Will Munny）在射杀小比尔•达格特（Little Bill Daggett）时说的一句话。电影场景是：小比尔说：“我不该死得这么惨。”曼尼回答：“该不该，根本没关系。” 这句台词挑战了因果报应或公平正义的观念，强调无论一个人是“善”是“恶”，其行为终将引发相应的后果。
Wax/Off
By Christopher C（Canada）
“I’m going to start this confession as plainly as I can: if you can think of a better way to rob a wax museum, I am ALL ears.”
The arresting officer cocked his head back in the front seat of the police cruiser, glancing at the man behind him in a full Elvis Presley outfit.
There was no way it was going to be THAT easy.
“So that’s it? That’s a confession then?” he asked the suspect in the back seat.
The man in the back of the cruiser raised his arms, the bedazzled sequins jangling off his jacket with every movement.
“Buddy, take one look at me.” He gestured to himself, his gelled black hair remaining perfectly in place as he spoke. “I just met you, and I already respect you too much to try and lie to you about this. You caught me dressed as the King of Rock and Roll INSIDE Madame Sinclaire’s Wax Emporium. That’s about as red-handed as you can get. Sure, count this as a confession, Officer…?”
“Call me Harry,” the officer responded. “And you’re Mr. Presley I assume?”
“Something like that,” the man in the back seat said as he lowered his arms, his sparkling pink sunglasses barely staying attached to his head. “But call me Dan.”
The cop car continued down the dark streets, the bright lights of downtown Niagara Falls slowly giving way to long stretches of highway.
“Alright, Dan. Feel like walking me through what you were up to tonight? And what the hell I just pulled you out from?”
Dan fidgeted in the backseat, running his hand through his hair. The mountain of black locks cracked, strands shooting to the sides in stringy clumps matted with gel and hairspray.
“What you just pulled me out of was the greatest heist I’ve ever planned.”
“A heist…at Madame Sincliare’s?” Officer Harry clarified. “We’re talking about the same place, right? Celebrity wax figures? Movie props? That Sinclaire’s? How much cash could have been on the premise?”
Dan chuckled, the glow from the overhead highway lights reflecting in his sunglasses.
“Cash…please, you’re stuck in the 90’s. 99% of ticket sales at any of these tourist traps will be Visa or MasterCard. You’d have better luck robbing the vending machine outside if cash was what you were after.
Dan leaned forward, a twinkle visible in his eye beneath the sparkling sunglasses.
“You seen any posters for The Wax Emporium lately?” he asked. “Any big events?”
“Can’t say I come down this way often,” Harry responded, eyes on the road. “Just happenstance I was here tonight.”
“What, you don’t get social media either?” Dan snorted. “Big Wizard of Oz exhibit, that’s what was going on. Costumes, wax figures, original movie props. The works.”
Harry waited for the Elvis in the backseat to continue. He didn’t; instead, he sat there with an expression as if he'd just revealed the location of El Dorado.
“And?” The officer finally asked.
“And? Man, they don’t teach you to have an eye for scores at the academy, eh? They had on display the crown jewel of movie props there. The famous Ruby Slippers.”
A pregnant pause filled the air, Harry eyeing the man in the back seat through the rearview mirror.
“You know they aren’t real ru-“
“Yes I know they aren’t real rubies,” Dan blurted, annoyed. “You gotta think about the collectors. It’s like any one-of-a-kind art. You sell stolen goods to one eccentric collector, they hold onto it for a few years, show their friends, it gets passed around, then you work with a crooked investigator to say they just found it in a pawn shop.”
Harry nodded along, unsure with the viability of that plan, but more than willing to let the man in the backseat keep running his mouth.
“I’m still waiting for where Elvis fits into this.”
Dan smirked and leaned back into the seat with a proud expression.
“See, here’s where the brilliance comes in. Two-man job. One picks out an exhibit that they can best replicate. I’ve always had a soft spot for the Memphis Flash, and luckily enough for me, they had an ‘Elvis through the ages’ exhibit, meaning I could find a suitable wax figure that fit my figure,” he said with a proud slap of the gut. “I’m not looking to be a poor man’s Elvis here. I take pride in my work."
“Uh huh.” Harry nodded, attention half on the road.
“Then it's as simple as paying off the security camera operator and waiting for a quiet time to make the swap,” Dan continued. “My partner quickly did away with the wax figure while I got changed in the bathroom, and then it was just a matter of standing perfectly still until closing time. You even get your picture taken with some tourists. Honestly, it was probably my second or third most fun heist I’ve pulled.”
Harry pondered whether he should ask about the first most fun heist, but restrained himself.
“And then, what? You sneak through the exhibit when the Emporium is closed and nab the ruby shoes?”
“See, now you’re thinking like a crook,” Dan said with an almost proud look in his eye. “And as I said, perfectly planned, but with one hiccup.”
“I figured as much, seeing as you're sitting in the back of my cruiser now.”
“We’ll get to you shortly, stop interrupting,” Dan snapped. “See, I thought it was suspicious how easy it was to bribe the security camera operator, he didn’t haggle or nothing. But now it’s after hours, and I start to make my move. As I’m sneaking through, I see the light from a security guard round the corner, and I freeze in whatever closest exhibit I found. Turns out it was Marilyn Monroe, so at least the visual kind of worked. Fooled the guard if nothing else."
“I’m sure you were very convincing,” Harry said, unsure himself if he was being sincere.
“Three and a half years of community theatre prepared me for this role, mamma,” Dan said in a deepened voice. “But anyways, as I’m frozen in place next to Ms. Monroe, I notice something peculiar in the exhibit across the hall. You had the Brady Bunch sitting around the dinner table as they always do, smiles wide, enjoying each other’s company and whatnot. And standing next to Mr. Brady was none other than Darth Vader, like he was part of the family all along.”
“Huh,” Harry pondered. “Some kind of crossover exhibit?”
“Crossover nothing. Turns out, me and my partner weren’t the only ones who had this brilliant idea- this guy in the Darth Vader outfit had the exact same plan as me! No originality in con-men these days I tell you.”
“Man, who would have thought?” Harry said, trying to mask his sarcastic tone.
“So the guard passes, and both myself and Mr. Vader start to sneak towards the Oz exhibit, stealthily trying to push things into the way of the other to slow their progress. Just when I had gotten Vader tangled in a well-placed stanchion, did I look up and see Amelia Earhart creeping in front of me. Turns out, this is why it was so easy to bribe the security camera operator – he had accepted bribes from what must have been a dozen of us."
“Wow, you weren’t kidding about the holy grail.” Harry whistled, impressed. “And you all had the same idea on how to steal these shoes?”
“As I said, if you can think of a better way to rob a wax museum, you’re in the wrong line of work. So anyway, we’re all sneaking through the museum, with more and more of us crooks coming out of the woodwork. And every time a security guard would pass, we’d all freeze in whatever display we were closest to. You had Robocop having tea with Queen Elizabeth. Voldemort playing defence against Larry Bird. Mr. Rogers in a poker game with James Bond. Thematically it was a mess.”
“And that was what I walked in on, right?” Harry interjected, trying to cut to the end of the story.
“Close. See, we all managed to make it to the Oz exhibit at the same time, and THAT’S when all notion of stealth went out the window. Big brawl started. It looked like it was Mother Terressa who threw the first elbow, but there was damned near a dozen of us swinging at one another. I think one of the security guards got caught up in the melee as well, but honestly it might just have been Paul Blart. And THAT’s when we heard the police siren from outside the side window, and before I knew it, you had hauled me in here.”
Dan gestured out the window as he spoke. The tall cityscape had disappeared, leaving a long stretch of highway to either side of the cruiser.
“I gotta say, one of my more memorable arrests in my career,” Harry conceded with almost a glint of admiration. “So any idea what managed to happen to the slippers?”
“I know exactly what happened to the slippers,” Dan answered with a sigh. From underneath one of his jacket's many tassels, he pulled out a bedazzled bag that had perfectly camouflaged with the flamboyant outfit. “I won. After everything was said, who else comes out on top than ol’ Dan? Guess I just wanted it more. Which is exactly why I’m telling you all this.”
“Oh?” Harry eyed the bag suspiciously.
“I don’t want to be the only one going down just because I got caught with the loot. There are at least twelve other lunatics out there who did the exact same thing as me, but weren’t as lucky in the end.” Dan looked around the back of the car. “Or unlucky, I guess."
Harry laughed, unsure what the man in the back was suggesting.
“So what, you want me to turn around and go and round up the rest of the crooks? No honour among thieves eh?”
“No honour, but plenty of pettiness,” Dan admitted without an ounce of shame. “Look, I got punched in the face by an Oompa Loompa this evening, you’re damn right I want you to go and grab the rest of them. Why should I be the only one to suffer?”
Harry watched Mr. Presley carefully in the rearview mirror, then signaled to turn onto the offramp.
“Good man!” Dan exclaimed, “Trust me, you bring in a whole paddy wagon of these guys, and you’ll be a local hero."
“If it helps clean up the streets of you weirdos, that’s good enough for me.”
The two drove silently back into town, pulling up a short block away from the original crime scene. Harry tilted his head back to the perp in the back seat.
“Here’s the plan. You get out and see if you can round up as many of your ‘friends’ as possible, and tell them to meet in that park.” He gestured to a small clearing between buildings. “You help me round up the rest of them, maybe we can go easy on you.”
“A man after my own heart,” Dan remarked as the back door unlocked. He grabbed the handle.
“Ah, ah.” Harry interrupted. “Leave the shoes.”
Dan paused with his palm on the handle. He sighed and leaned away from the door.
“Of course, wouldn’t dream of booking it with the goods. You don’t deserve that,” he said, with an air of exaggerated sincerity, and dropped the bag with the Ruby Slippers into the back seat.
“Exactly,” Harry said as Dan left the car. “No one wants to do anyone dirty here.”
Dan stepped out into the cold air, mentally reviewing his options, and this stroke of luck he finally found himself in. He could just make a break for it, he thought. What would be the chance that Harry would be able to find him after he changed his outfit?
He took a couple of steps forward, then paused.
No one wants to do anyone dirty here.
Dirty.
Why was that word sticking in his mind?
The epiphany immediately dawned on Dan, but it was already too late. He turned and finally got a better look at the driver of the police cruiser. The man in the front seat looked back at Dan with an exaggerated squinting expression and an ill-fitting brown wig.
A poor man’s Clint Eastwood.
“You son of a—it was a prop car!” Dan yelled as he darted back toward the cruiser. ‘Harry’ gave a slight nod at the King of Rock and Roll as the car started to accelerate away.
“You’re right, I don’t deserve it,” Harry replied with an artificial growl through the open window. “But remember, deserves got nothin’ to do with it.”
“That’s not even the right movie!” Dan hollered as the lights from the cruiser gradually disappeared into the night.
Posted Jan 01, 2026
