变形（The Bends）
翻译小说
地球东部标准时间10月10日10：45；木卫二本地时间19：20.2
亲爱的鲍勃：
看到这封信，你一定会觉得很荒唐。可我已经35岁了。这封“光速通信”，我改了不下一百遍。还有，你现在有一个6岁的女儿。对不起，我只能用这种方式告诉你。这里的人建议我，先帮你做好思想准备，以便你适应接下来可能会经受的心理体验。困惑、愤怒、苦乐参半（他们说这也是一种真实的情绪）、懊悔，或是失望（这要看你怎么想。如果你觉得是自己做错了什么，那是懊悔；如果你是在生我的气，那就是失望）。他们给我打印了一张“情绪轮盘”图，据说你也有一张，好让我们能共同面对彼此的现状。
鲍勃，我真的非常抱歉。他们告诉我，在经历了七年的“休眠”之后，你的神经系统可能需要花些时间，才能把身体各项控制机能都重新接管回来。我真心希望，在把这封信转交给你之前，他们能先让你恢复元气，回到以前的那个鲍勃。
至今，我尚未收到你的回音。我希望我们的通讯往来不要错失彼此。我明白，当我按下“发送”键的那一刻，这封信至少需要40分钟才能到达你那里。而这40分钟，我就像是被困在一段漫长而又让人不安的空白里。那感觉是我平生仅有。
他们通知我，飞船已经安全着陆。同时还给了我一张照片。那张照片把我给看傻了。我敢肯定，等你醒来时，一定会爱死那景色的。
我有点说多了。你别介意，鲍勃。你了解我。所以，你大概能看得出来，我现在紧张得要命。
起飞大约一周之后，也就是在你借助月球轨道的引力弹射，继而被推进那浩瀚的黑暗深处时，我便去报到，准备接受休眠。他们对我进行了全方位的身体检测。你也知道那套流程。结果发现，我怀孕了。那天，我听到了一大堆术语。事后还得逐一去查字典。像是什么“女性自主权”、“依恋理论”之类的。还有些只有上帝才能记得住的词汇。我当时就一口回绝了，还回绝了好几次。鲍勃，底线在于，他们不可能让我带着腹中的胎儿一同进入休眠状态。而我，也不愿在没有孩子陪伴的情况下独自进入休眠。我知道，这会让你感到愤怒。如今，我已比你年长了七岁。等你归来之时，谁知道会是怎样呢？谁知道呢？
她的名字叫奥莉维亚。我以那种树的名字为她命名，是因为就在我得知她存在的那一周里，一根橄榄枝正巧打到了我的脸上。当时我正漫无目标地四处游走，试图消化这突如其来的、意想不到的现实，并为此做出我的人生抉择。我感觉体内似乎有什么东西在悄然萌动。当然，我知道，那时的她还不可能萌动。那一刻，我笑了。
她长得很美。而且聪明绝顶，跟你如出一辙。她身上很少有像她妈的地方。那眼睛，那笑容，全是你的翻版。更不可思议的，要是你知道了，绝对会让你感到自豪。你喜欢水。而她对水的痴迷，简直就像是一条小鱼儿。我逗她说，要把她裹上面糊下锅炸了。就像我当年跟你开玩笑说的那样。她听到这话，就会咯咯地笑个不停。
什么时候你准备好了，随时可以问我任何问题。我不想给你太大的压力。她非常爱你。哪怕她从未见过你。
地球东部标准时间10月10日10：51；木卫二当地时间19：22.2
我的爱，我亲爱的娜丁：
鹰已经落地了，落在一块难以置信的地方。我也已经苏醒。我已近一周未曾合眼，在一片黑暗里翻找记忆、逻辑，和常识。它们全都乱成一团，像是死了一样。但最终，我还是来到了这里。跟你说句实话，我一点也不想在回程时再进一次休眠舱。希望你的苏醒过程比我的更顺利。
我终于回想起了我有多爱你，多爱我俩的共同生活。这份回忆让我再次坠入爱河。你信吗？
透过舷窗，我眼前所见全是：冰。冰，宝贝。到处都是冰。这里有平川、峡谷、山峰。也有看起来像是河流的地貌，不过已彻底冰封。曾几何时，这片地表上流淌过奔腾的河水。天空看起来就像有人在我们厨房的台面上撒了一把糖，白点散落在黑色的大理石桌面上。银河横跨天际，熠熠生辉。最后，也是最精彩的，是木星。任何言语都无法描述这番世外永恒空间的景象。不知怎的，如果我用手掌挡住木星，我就能说服自己，我依然身处地球，正置身于南极洲那清朗明亮的夜空之下。就像当年我们在那里受训时一样。但当我移开手掌，看见它就挂在那儿，又大又凶，犹如泰山压顶时，骤然感觉自己好像是死后轮回，被投生到了另一个平行宇宙之中。
我听说，你已经收到过一张照片。他们说，一张照片能顶一千句话。但眼前这番景象，恐怕用百万句话也才无法真实描述。
爱你，想你，我亲爱的娜丁。希望很快能收到你的回音。
附注：这里的时间过得比地球要慢得多。所以，信头上的那个奇怪的时间戳，其实意味着，你那里的每一分钟，等于我这里的三分半钟。不过，他们坚持要使用24小时制。因此，我们用的是一种带有小数点计时的特殊时钟。这是不是很趣？
地球东部标准时间10月10日14：34；木卫二当地时间20：27.1
娜丁，你他妈到底在搞什么？！这到底是怎么回事？！
地球东部标准时间10月10日14：38；木卫二当地时间20：29.2
我想说，我已经冷静下来了。但我根本冷静不下来。这到底搞的什么鬼，娜丁？拜托你发几张她的照片给我，也发几张你的照片。她在哪里上学？喜欢学些什么？她是个什么样的人？求你了，娜丁。操，为什么会这样？去他妈的。可是……噢，娜丁。噢，奥莉维亚。嗨，奥莉维亚，我最亲爱的宝贝。嗨，小姑娘。我爱你。请告诉奥莉维亚，她可以给我发“光速通信”。请向她解释一下什么是“光速通信”。免得因为信息时差，她会误以为我是故意不理她。光速从未变得如此迟缓。求你了，让我能收到她的消息吧。
娜丁，求你了。我知道你不擅长这种表白。我知道这会让你紧张得脚趾都蜷起来。但现在该放松你的脚趾了。求你了。照着他们给你的那张情绪轮盘图去做吧。
按地球时间算，明天我就要进行第一次潜水任务了。所以，如果我没能给你回复，不是因为我在一千英尺的水下吸了氦气正飘飘欲仙，就是我已经挂了。他们探测到了一些奇怪的无线电信号，呈现出一种极不寻常的模式。这些信号可能意味着任何我们不知道的东西。也许，是“太空鲸鱼”；也许，是长着三个头、嗜血成性的狼蛛章鱼。
求你了，娜丁。代向奥莉维亚转达我的爱。也爱你。
地球东部标准时间年10月10日18：02；木卫二当地时间21：27.3
鲍勃，真的很抱歉。我们去看了你妈妈，没能早点给你回信。我得亲自到这里才能操作这套跟你通信的设备。感觉就像在用最早的人类计算机。这些机器几乎填满了整个房间。你那边也差不多吗？我在想，说不定有一天，“光速通信”会变成手机上的一个应用，到时候我们就不会像现在这样觉得它神奇了。
你妈妈说，她给你写了几句留言。
原谅我吧。你了解我的。我是一个话痨，生来就爱唠叨。积习难改。而且，非常容易受到惊吓。
当我得知怀上奥莉维亚时，内心极度煎熬。那种感觉，唯有“孤独”两字可以形容。他们不愿将你从休眠中唤醒，生怕这会动摇整个任务团队的士气。我苦苦哀求，直到脸色发青，吐得到处都是。我冲到任务总指挥面前，直接将呕吐物吐在了他的办公桌上。幸好，这事现在听起来够可笑的。可即便如此，他还是不答应。“你的身体，你做主，娜丁。”他们向我提议堕胎的次数，多到连我的手指和脚趾加起来都数不过来。对了，谢谢你的关心。我正努力让自己的手指和脚趾保持伸展状态，尽管很难。
我不想抹杀我俩创造的结晶。一股怀旧、爱，和绝望混合在一起的巨浪袭来（我这下是彻底用上了那张“情绪轮盘”图）。巨浪把我完全淹没。我像被活埋在风暴中的沙滩上。即将溺水，动弹不了，呼吸都被压得喘不过气。
我饱受煎熬，彻夜难眠，直到我的肚子出现动静。到了那时，决定权便不再属于我了。我终究是狠不下那个心。随后，她在我的腹中开始拳打脚踢。我因她在我体内的胡作非为而爱上了她，也因将她种入我体内的是你而爱你。
她出生了。带着一团混乱的血肉，就像一颗超级新星从我体内炸了出来。我们深爱着她，我和你母亲，还有我父母。你知道吗？他们都已去世。双亲皆逝。唉，都是那些遗传性癌症惹的祸。因此，我也做了基因检测。
明天，我会带着她给你的留言来到这里。我真傻。之前竟然没想到要带一段她的留言来。也许，我是担心你听到她的消息会过于惊慌失措。不过，我会带来的。一定会的。
她喜欢自然科学。这又一次证明了：女儿随父。她热爱数学，也喜欢游泳。我呢，只喜欢做美甲和出去吃饭。她总是谈论除法和奇数。我常想，要是你在就好了。你肯定比我更擅长和她聊这些。
祝你首次潜水一切顺利，鲍勃。无论怎样，你一生都在等这一刻。甚至在你还没学会正确泳姿的时候，就敢一头扎进你家旁边那片浑浊、危险的湖水。我看到那画面，心里是软呼呼的。我很抱歉。你苦等这么久的这一刻，也许有点被蒙上一层阴影。但愿在深海下，你能看到那些超出人类理解的奇景，也能弥补你在地球上的遗憾。
祝你深海之行好运，鲍勃。
地球东部标准时间10月12日08：20；木卫二当地时间 11：45.1
嗨，娜丁。我刚结束第一次潜水任务回来。虽然这次用的是氦气代替氮气，我还是不得不在减压舱里待了整整十二个小时。那段时间里，我脑子里翻涌着无数念头。接着，好像有人往水里投了什么东西，我就被击昏了。
在水下，我的尖叫声听起来既可悲又滑稽，尖得像小女孩的声音。可我一点也没笑，脑海里反而浮现出奥莉维亚的身影。求你了，让我听听她的消息。请告诉我关于她的一切。我想你们俩，想得快要发疯了。
这里的一切都是机密。即便他们把水下究竟发生了什么全部涂黑屏蔽，我也要尽力告诉你。至少，我要尝试一下。我不知道，他们是否会允许我透露一点审查的内容。这群混蛋，这群彻头彻尾的混蛋。我真不知道他们有没有意识到这一点。就让老好人鲍勃•麦吉尔代替他们大声疾呼吧。
这里的冰层足有100英尺厚。他们为我凿开了一个洞。随行的波兰同事说，他们的语言里有一个词——“Przerebel（凿冰洞）”，能更直接、更准确地描述这种情景。意思是“强行凿穿”。他们凿啊凿，不停地凿。想象一下吧，娜丁。100英尺厚的冰层啊。
下潜途中，我看到了“…（此处已涂黑屏蔽）…”那时，我下潜的深度不到十英尺。周围光线越来越暗，直到我能看见的，仅剩身上生物发光潜水服发出的微弱光晕。
那一刻，我吓得魂飞魄散。微光开始变色，呈现出一种泛绿色。没人知道为什么。他们开玩笑说，水里肯定有什么东西。
紧接着，我突然发现自己置身水中。那道“强行凿穿”的冰洞已到尽头，木卫二深邃的黑暗瞬间吞没了我。真正的星球面貌出现在眼前。“…（此处已涂黑屏蔽）…”
当我浮出水面时，他们告诉我，很快就失去了我的踪迹。所有仪器都全部失灵。缆绳断了。他们在声纳上看到我以极快的速度离去。然后，就消失不见了。
代我向奥莉维亚问好。我在减压舱里一直在想，如果在我返程的路上，你进入休眠，而我没有，这样我们就扯平了。请认真考虑这件事，娜丁。我会守在舷窗边，眺望七年，思念你们。考虑到旅途中可能有人拒绝休眠，他们准备了足够的食物。亲爱的，这一路上就全靠那些怪味豆、糊状物，和宇宙尘埃了。你仔细想想吧。
地球东部标准时间10月14日12：04；木卫二当地时间03：32.2
噢，鲍勃。那群混蛋几乎把所有的信息都涂黑屏蔽了。我唯一知道的就是：你尖叫了。而且，他们在雷达上彻底把你弄丢了。真他妈的混账。无论你经历了什么，我都深感抱歉。
还有，鲍勃。噢，鲍勃。还有一件事。你还记得瑞克吗？就是以前负责漂浮舱维护的那个技术员。在你出发几个月后，他联系了我。那时候，我已经怀上孩子了。
我们作为朋友，相识已久。有好几年，我都刻意与他保持距离。你根本无法想象，那段日子有多么艰难。我既要全职工作，又要照顾奥莉维亚。父母病倒了，而你正高速掠过火星、木星，离我越来越远。我也变得越来越孤单。
长话短说。我又结婚了。基于我们之间的“极其特殊情况”，这里的官方机构已经解除了我和你的婚姻关系。这样，我才能过上某种意义上的“正常生活”。
我一直教导奥莉维亚要记住你。她也迫不及待想见到你。听听她怎么说吧：“哈喽，睡觉的爸爸。记得从‘大湖’那边发照片给我哦。我爱你。”
希望你不要介意，分享给你她的消息只有这么点。鲍勃，我依然爱你。我是真的爱你。但我不会进入休眠，去沉睡七年。哪怕是为了奥莉维亚，我也不会那样做。我希望你能理解，我不能让一个孩子承受那种煎熬。你的母亲还健在。奥莉维亚需要家人，她需要所有的家人陪伴。
真的很抱歉，鲍勃。我希望你下一次的深潜不再是“机密任务”。事实上，我希望他们根本不要再把你送去那里了。永远都不要。而是直接把你送回这里。
地球东部标准时间10月15日02：44；木卫二当地时间19：34.1
亲爱的娜丁：
我们非常遗憾地通知您，罗伯特•麦吉尔在执行第二次潜水任务后未能按时浮出水面。请您放心，我们已进行了全面搜寻。对于失去这位丈夫、父亲、儿子，及同事，我们深感悲痛。同时，我们也向奥莉维亚•麦吉尔表达最诚挚的慰问。我们唯愿雇主能够尽其所能，为您在地球所承受的这一无法弥补的损失分担部分痛苦。
地球东部标准时间12月30日15：20
随信附上罗伯特•麦吉尔写给您的解密版“光速通信”。正如您可能已在新闻中获悉的那样，关于此次任务的实况记录，现已全部公之于众。
“下潜途中，我开始看到一些从未见过的奇异生物，被封冻在冰层之中，距离水面极近。那时，我下潜的深度不到十英尺。周围的光线越来越暗，越来越暗。直到我能看见的，仅剩身上生物发光潜水服发出的微弱光晕，映照在令人心悸的阴影上。
那一刻，我吓得魂飞魄散。微光开始变色，呈现出一种泛绿色、充满生机的色调。没人知道为什么。他们开玩笑说，水里肯定有些什么东西。
紧接着，我突然发现自己完全置身水中。那道“强行凿穿”的冰洞已到尽头。木卫二深邃的黑暗瞬间将我吞没。星球的真实面貌展现在我眼前。我瞥见一个游动的身影，一道黑影。尽管内心充满惊恐，我脑海中闪过一个念头：这里存在生命！于是，如受训时被教导的那样，我轻柔地向它伸出手。
然而，作为回应，它一把抓住我，并以惊人的速度将我拖向深处。它拖着我不断向前。我声嘶力竭地尖叫，直至彻底失声。连接我与水面的缆绳崩断。我无法分辨自己究竟是在下坠，还是在横向移动。心中极度恐惧，一旦重新浮出水面，我的肺可能会被瞬间挤爆。
无论那是何物，它都平稳地将我拖在身后，仿佛自身装有推进装置。不久，我在深海中看见了亮光。某种类似“城市”的景象浮现眼前。但那绝非人类的城市。它不是人类文明，而是一种先知般的文明，一种我无法用言语准确描述的全智慧存在。
那生物终于停下。在光线映照下，我看清了它的真容。它是一种超乎语言描述的存在。它是生命本身，出乎意料，又栩栩如生。
我感受到它在想：“疲惫的旅人啊，留下来与我们共度片刻吧。”我意识到，它知晓我的旅程，也知晓我们的孩子，如果这类生物也有孩子的话。它不仅读懂了我的情感，更能如此深刻地感同身受。那一刻，我的脑海里涌起一股暖流，感觉就像是尿湿了裤子，只不过这股暖流弥漫在我的头脑里。
随后，我们转身离去。不知过了多久，仿佛经历了一个漫长的人类纪元。心满意足之后，它将我拖回洞口。接着，它发出了一个声音，也许没有。尽管如此，我还是领会了它的意思：“如果你需要我们，我们就在这里。”
（完）
作者：妮娜•希尔（Nina Chyll）2026年1月16日发布于瑞德西网站（Reedsy.com）
译者：鸭绒 2026年3月22日完成于洛杉矶（Los Angeles）
译者注：
小说取材科幻，却并无奇幻科技的渲染，而是以现代社会的信息延迟和时空错位来探讨人性、情感，和人际关系所面临的挑战。小说由电子信件组成。人物形象、故事情节、环境描写均隐含在书面对话之中。小说叙事简洁，张力饱满，情节紧凑。故事结局出人意料。原以为悲情需要寻找落点时，突然反转成喜剧式的黑色幽默。特别是最后那封信的最后一句话，让人在极度的恐惧之中得以释怀。
原文的标题《The Bends》直译为“潜水病”、“减压病”。作者可能是考量故事的发生背景和潜水有关。但中文直译却很难和故事情节挂上钩，也有专业性太强，不像小说，像是论文的感觉。意译成《变形》，来突出人生常因压力而出现的命运轨迹弯曲转折的主题。塞翁失马，焉知非福？娜丁和鲍勃都在他们的失去之中找到了新的归宿。
附：原文
The Bends
By Nina Chyll
_October 10, 1045 Earth EST, 1920.2 Europa LST_
Dear Bob, this is going be so bizarre for you to read, but I am 35 now, have rewritten this LSM at least a hundred times, and you have a 6-year-old daughter. I am so sorry you are finding out this way. People here have recommended I help you acclimatise with what you may experience. Confusion, anger, bittersweetness (apparently this is a legitimate feeling), regret, or maybe disappointment (this will depend on whether you feel like you have done something wrong — regret, or whether you will feel angry with me — disappointment). They have printed me a wheel of emotions, and I am told you have one, too, to help us process together.
Bob, I am so sorry. They tell me after seven years of stasis, it may take time for your nervous system to turn on all the controls. I hope they allow you to bounce to full Bobbing again before they relay this message. I have not yet heard from you. I hope our wires don’t cross. I know when I press ‘send,’ the message will take at least 40 minutes to reach you, and it will feel like the biggest liminal, uneasy space I have ever sat in.
They have informed me landing had been performed safely. A picture was attached, and it blew my mind. I just know you will love it when you come to.
I am rambling. Forgive me, Bob. You know me so you can probably tell I am dead nervous here.
About a week after takeoff, soon after you bounced off the Moon’s orbit and got propelled into the great darkness, I reported for my stasis procedure. They tested me every which way. You know the drill. I was pregnant. I heard a lot of words that day I had to look up afterwards, like agency, attachment theory, god only remembers what else. I said no, and no again. They couldn’t put me to sleep with the baby inside me, was the bottom line, Bob. And I didn’t want to go to sleep without it. I knew you’d be angry. I am now seven years older than you. By the time you return, who knows. Who knows.
Her name is Olivia. I named her after the tree because that week I found out, an olive branch hit me in the face as I was walking around aimlessly trying to come to terms with my fresh, unexpected reality, and make my choices. I laughed. I felt something stir inside me, yes, I know that’s impossible.
She’s beautiful. Beyond smart, like you. Got little of her mama. Your eyes, your smile. And so bizarrely, check this out, you’ll be proud of this, your love of water. She’s a fish. I tell her I will put her in batter and deep-fry her, just like I used to tell you, and it makes her chuckle.
When you’re ready, ask me questions. I don’t want to overwhelm you. She loves you very much, even if she’s never met you.
_October 10, 1051 Earth EST, 1922.2 Europa LST_
My love, my darling Nadine. The eagle has landed on the most incredulous surface, and I am awake. I have been up almost a week, searching in the darkness for memories, logic, proportion. They all seemed to have fallen sloppy dead, but finally here I am. Tell you what, I am not looking forward to stasis on my return. Hope your awakening is going more smoothly than mine.
I have finally remembered how much I love you, how much I love our life, and it has made me fall in love with you again. Would you believe that.
Here’s what I see looking out of the window: ice, ice, baby. Ice everywhere. There’s valleys and canyons and mountain peaks. There’s what looks like river beds, frozen. There was running water on this surface once upon a time. The sky looks like sugar spilled on our kitchen worktops, perfect dots of chemistry on black marble. The Milky Way shines across. And finally, best for last. Jupiter. Words cannot describe the otherworldliness of this view. Somehow, if I put my hand over it, I can convince myself I am still on Earth, and the night is clear and bright over Antarctica, back when we trained there. But when I move my palm, and there he sits looming and raging in the distance, suddenly I feel like I have died and was born into an alternate universe.
I am told you have been sent a picture. A picture says a thousand words, but this here would take a million.
I love and miss you, my darling Nadine. Hope to hear from you very soon.
PS the time here runs much slower so the strange stamp on the message just means for every minute of yours, I have three and a half. But they insist using the 24 system, so we have a different clock with a decimal. Isn’t that fun?
_October 10, 1434 Earth EST, 2027.1 Europa LST_
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK NADINE WHAT THE LIVING FUCK
_October 10, 1438 Earth EST, 2029.2 Europa LST_
I want to say I have calmed down but I haven’t at all calmed down what the hell Nadine. Please send pictures of her pictures of you. Where does she go to school what she likes learning, what is she like, please Nadine. Fuck why, fuck it. How though. Oh Nadine. Oh Olivia. Hi Olivia my sweetest love, hi girl. I love you. Please tell Olivia she can LSM me, please explain to her Light Speed Messaging so she doesn’t think I’m just ignoring her when there’s a lag. Light has never traveled this slow. Please let me hear from her.
Nadine please. I know you’re not good at this sort of confession, I know it curls your toes, but now is the time to relax those toes. Please. Use the chart they gave you.
I am doing my first dive tomorrow Earth time so if I don’t respond it’s either because I’m high on helium a thousand feet under, or dead. They have detected these funny radio signals that could mean literally anything, in a very unusual pattern. Maybe space whales, maybe three-headed blood-thirsty tarantula squid.
Please Nadine. My love to Olivia. And to you.
_October 10, 1802 Earth EST, 2127.3 Europa LST_
I’m so sorry, Bob. We went to see your mum. Sorry I haven’t responded sooner. I need to be here physically to use the machinery. Feels like I’m using one of the first ever computers made, the machines fill nearly the whole room. Is yours like this, too? I wonder if one day it’ll just be LSM on our phones, like an app. And we won’t appreciate it.
Your mum said she dropped you a couple of lines.
Forgive me. You know me. I am a rambler, daughter of ramblers. Incorrigible. And very scared.
When I found out about Olivia, I agonised so much. Lonely. They didn’t want to take you out of stasis not to compromise the mission morale. I asked and asked until I was blue in the face and vomiting all over the place. I went to the mission head and hurled on his desk. I wish it was as funny as it sounds. Still he didn’t relent. ‘Your body, your choice, Nadine.’ They offered me abortion more times than I have fingers and toes to count on. And thanks, I am trying to keep them uncurled, hard as it is proving.
I didn’t want to erase our creation. A huge wave of nostalgia, love, and despair (I am using the shit out of this emotion chart). A huge wave washed over me like I was buried in sand on a stormy shore and drowning. Unable to move, unable to stop the wave from choking me.
I suffered and lay awake at night until I started to show, and then the decision was made for me. I couldn’t ever do it. Then she started to kick around and I was in love with her shenanigans inside me, and in love with you for making her with me.
Then she was born, in such a mess of matter, like a supernova bursting out of me. And we loved her so much, me and your mum, and my parents. They are dead, you know. Both. Those hereditary cancers, huh. Yes, I have been tested.
Tomorrow now, I’ll come here with a message from her. Silly me, it hasn’t occurred to me to take one. Maybe I worried you’d be too overwhelmed to hear from her. I will though. I will.
She likes sciences. Once again, a daughter after her father. She loves mathematics, and swimming. I like nails and eating out. She talks about division and odd numbers. I would often wish you were there to entertain those conversations so much better than I ever could.
I hope your first dive goes well. You have been waiting on this moment your whole life, Bob, in one way or another. Diving in that murky deadly lake by your house, that image still makes me tender, before you could even swim properly. I am sorry this moment you have been waiting for so long may have been sullied, somewhat. I hope you see wonders beyond human comprehension down there, and they make up for what’s happened here on Earth.
Good luck down there, Bob.
_October 12, 0820 Earth EST, 1145.1 Europa LST_
Hi Nadine. I am back from the first dive. Even with helium instead of nitrogen, I had to go in the chamber for twelve hours. I had one too many thoughts, and then I think they dropped something in the water, and knocked me out dead.
My screams sounded so pathetically funny down there. High-pitched like a little girl’s, but instead of laughing, I thought of Olivia. Please can I hear from her. Please tell me all about her. I miss you, both, so much.
Everything is classified. But I need to tell you anyway, even if they black it out about what’s down there. I can at least try. I wonder if they’ll allow me let you know what the censorship is all about at least. The bastards, the absolute bastards. I wonder if they had any idea. Let good old Bob McGill scream for them.
The ice here is only 100 feet thick, and they drilled me a hole. The Polish guy with us says there’s a word in their language that describes this more succinctly, more purposefully, przerebel. Means ‘hack-through.’ They hacked and hacked. 100 feet of ice, imagine that, Nadine.
Descending, I started to see *redacted*. It became darker, and darker still, until all I could see was a faint glow in the ice, no deeper than ten feet, from my bioluminescent suit. I was scared shitless by then. The glow changed in colour. They don’t know why. It became a greenish hue. Must be something in the water, they joked.
Then I was suddenly swimming. The przerebel reached its end, and Europian darkness enveloped me. The real image of this planet *redacted*
When I surfaced, they said they’d lost sight of me very quickly, and no devices worked. The cord snapped. They watched me move off at speed on the sonar, and then I disappeared.
Give my love to Olivia. I’ve had a thought in the chamber – what if you go into stasis on my return journey, and I don’t? That will make us even. Please think about this, Nadine. I’ll look out of the window for seven years and miss you. They’ve got enough food. They have prepared for the eventuality some of us may reject stasis during the journey. So it’s weird beans, pastes, and cosmic dust all the way, baby. Think about it.
_October 14, 1204 Earth EST, 332.2 Europa LST_
Oh, Bob. The bastards have redacted almost everything. All I got was that you screamed. And that they lost you off their radars. Those fuckers. I am so sorry for whatever has happened to you.
And Bob, oh, Bob. There’s one more thing. Do you remember Rick the technician that used to take care of the flotation tank? He’d reached out to me a few months after you set off. I was ever so pregnant by then.
We were friends for a long time. A couple of years, I kept my distance. You have no idea how rough it was trying to work full-time, with Olivia, my parents ill, you, hurtling past Mars, Jupiter, forever further from me, and I was more and more alone.
Long story short, because I’m not sure how much detail can even take, I am married again. They dissolved our union here based on our ‘very unique circumstances’. So I could have some normalcy.
I raised Olivia to remember, and she can’t wait to see you again. Here’s what she says: ‘hello, sleeping daddy. Send pictures from big lake. Love you.’
Hope you don’t mind sharing her a little. I still love you, Bob. I do. But I won’t be going into stasis for seven years, not with Olivia, either, I hope you understand. I can’t put a child through it. Your mother is still alive. Olivia needs family, all the family she can get.
I’m so sorry, Bob. I hope the next dive isn’t classified. In fact, I hope they don’t send you down there at all, ever again. And that they propel you straight back here.
_October 15, 0244 Earth EST, 1934.1 Europa LST_
Dear Nadine, we are very sorry to inform you that Robert McGill did not resurface on his second dive. Please rest assured we have searched far and wide. We are profoundly sorry for this loss of husband, father, son, and colleague. We would also like to extend our sincerest condolences to Olivia McGill. We can only hope our employer will strive to lighten the burden on this irretrievable loss for you on Earth.
_December 30, 1520 EST Earth_
Please find attached the unsealed version of Robert McGill’s LSM to you. The records on the status of the mission have been, as you may have seen on the news, released in full.
Descending, I started to see foreign shapes trapped in ice, very close to the surface. It became darker, and darker still, until all I could see was a faint shimmering glow settling on disturbing shadows, no deeper than ten feet, from my bioluminescent suit. I was scared shitless by then. The glow began to changed in colour, and became a greenish, lively hue. They don’t know why. Must be something in the water, they joked.
Then I was suddenly swimming. The przerebel ended and Europian darkness enveloped me. The real image of this planet. I saw something swimming, a shadow, so there is life here, I thought briefly through panic. Then I reached out to it, gently, as they trained me, and in response I was grabbed and pulled at speed. It pulled and pulled. I was screaming until I couldn’t scream. I have lost my voice completely. The cord that tied me to the surface snapped. I couldn’t tell if I was going down, or sideways, and terrified my lungs would just explode on resurface.
Whatever it was, the thing dragged me evenly behind it, as if it was propelled. Then I saw lights in the deep. Then something like a city emerged, but not a city, not human but sentient, fully sentient, in ways I cannot explain. The creature finally stopped and escaped any description, now I saw in the light. Life itself, unexpected, shimmering. I felt it think, ‘stay with us awhile, weary traveller,’ and I realised it knew of my journey, our child, if ever these creatures had children. That it had understood my emotion and empathised so profoundly my mind suddenly felt warm, like I’d pissed myself but in my head. Then we turned around, at some point, a whole era of humanity later. Satisfied now, it dragged back to the hole. Then it made a sound, or maybe not. I understood it all the same. We’ll be here if you need us.
Posted Jan 16, 2026
